Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Stupid Advertising

Advertising is a fine art. When it is done right it can be brilliant and amazing... but when it is done wrong it achieves the exact opposite of what companies pay advertisers to achieve. It makes the company look ridiculous.

Tonight I saw an advert for hair loss treatment, you know the type... very cheesy and optimistic.
"Come and see our haircare professionals and we'll give you the head of a baby gorilla."
"Wow mortgaging my house to pay for these treatments will totally be worth it, thank you haircare specialists for allowing me to experience the glory days of my youth again."
*Cut to before and after shots of people using the treatment, first one : yep hes got his hair back looking good buddy. Second lot of shots, the before picture was a gentlemen with a brunette four stranded comb over and the "after picture" had him with the Edward Cullen puff and blonde. Seriously?

Come on advertisers pull your head out of your arses, consider the possibility that the world is somewhat intelligent and if you change a guy's hair after it has supposedly grown back we might notice!
When did the cast of the Only Way is Essex take over our advertisers?

Sunday, 22 April 2012

The Power Of Music

I recently discovered a new song called 'Liv Tonight' by Nelly and Keri Hilson. It has made me realize that music makes people feel SOMETHING! It is truly amazing how playing music can automatically change your current mood. To think that an arrangement of sounds and notes can change how your feeling is insane!

Smart people should be using this to their advantage. I have kindly compiled a list of songs to play that enhance certain different situations (for dumb arses like me) :

  • Need someone to give you money? = "I Need A Dollar" Aloe Blacc
  • Need to believe in yourself? = "I Bellive" Yolanda Adams
  • Want people to take shots? = "Shots" LMFAO, Lil Jon
  • Want people to think your hot? = "Sexy Bitch" Akon
  • Want a girl to sleep with you? = "Baby" Justin Bieber , I kid , I kid.
My point of this post is that music can truly influence people in the way that they feel and act. We should harness this power for manipulative purposes (*cue evil laugh).

In fact I'm going to use the power of music to manipulate the world into voting for me for president! I'll play "Vote For Me" by Chicago. The only people that this will NOT work on are deaf people... I may have to sign the lyrics to them and pray to god that they learnt to read music.


Saturday, 21 April 2012

Someone Please Cure Clumsiness?

I'm clumsy. I'm clumsy enough to trip up stairs... More than I trip down them. I'm clumsy enough to start driving my car in the pitch black without having my headlights on. I'm clumsy enough to spill boiling hot grill cleaning chemicals over myself (for those of you who are wondering, no it did not burn my horrid face off, sorry to inform you my ugliness is indestructible).

Now sometimes clumsiness can be a great trait, one that you are proud to possess. Occasionally you'll get those moments where you do a comedic banana split trip in front of your best friend and she never lets you live it down. For the most part however, its a pain in the ass!

 I mean honestly... Who wants to be someone who can't be trusted with carrying the wooden spoon from the cupboard to the mixing bowl!
Why does clumsiness as a trait even exist? Its really not helping anyone and as someone who has a multitude of other bad traits (so all my traits) to deal with, not being able to walk without a handrail on either side of me is getting slightly frustrating.

How does one cure clumsiness? Please can people comment suggestions to prevent any further accidents. Would be much appreciated!

Note: I do not take myself seriously and I do not have low self esteem :D

Thursday, 19 April 2012

I'm Lazy And Proud

Lazy. This is one word that is often said when the people around me try to describe me to other people ( and stunning, naturally). Laziness has caused a few problems in my life so far. Haven't got another job, haven't got my licence , in fact, I'm too lazy to even open a bank account!

I don't think I can help it though? Maybe some people are naturally born more lazy than others? I was definitely one of these people. When I was a toddler I was so lazy that I needed a tri-pillow to support me, otherwise I would roll over. It is a weird feeling and is often only associated with negative connotations. I think it is good to be lazy once in a while! Doing nothing helps the body rest and repair, well thats my excuse anyway.

Basically the whole point of this post is that I'M PROUD OF BEING LAZY! Its a great skill to have... but probably best to leave off my resume.

Unfit But On The Top Of The Food Chain?

Today I chose to live life to the fullest. I broke a few speed limits, ignored a stop sign, jumped a guard rail and did the whole 'Love Actually' sprint through the airport. It made me realise one thing.
I am horrendously unfit! Like unbelievably unfit to the point where it took me ten minutes to recover from that run!

We as humans have evolved over thousands of years to be the on top of the food chain. Amongst all our incredible natural talents, we are more intelligent than any other creature on Earth, yet unless we exercise and maintain a healthy diet, a vigorous walk can leave us catatonic.

By now shouldn't we have an automatic exercising machine to use while we sleep? Casually knock ourselves out for 8 hours and have our body exercised to keep us fit. We have freaking iPhones, surely we can have this invented.

Here at Jade & Josh we will give your exactly one week from posting to come up with some prototypes or bitches best be running! Our position on the food chain depends on it! We are becoming so unfit that soon the freaking flies will be taking the top spot!

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Where Do We Go When We Die?

Photo: Thomas Fileding

After a recent death of a dear friend, a question struck in my head... What happens when we die?
I am sure that there are ALOT of different opinions and to be honest I believe it mostly comes down to what the individual believes.

We all hear ghost stories. In fact not only do we hear them but we also watch the millions of ghost TV shows (ok 'slight' exaggeration here). We have to wonder though... How much of these shows are real? How much is set up to attract ratings and viewers. Maybe we do become ghosts? Or maybe we only become ghosts if we have 'unfinished business'?

Different religions have different beliefs as to what happens when you die. Christians believe that we go to heaven. Buddhists believe in the rebirth of a person.

Scientific experiments have also been performed. They stop a persons heart , which 'kills' them ( I'm using the word kill for convenience rather than that being the correct word to use), and then they restart their heart. Most people mentioned a tunnel and a bright light. Due to a high amount of people having the same answer, there are still speculations that this ' bright light ' could simply be the light on the operating table.

So where do we go when we die? what happens to us? I find it hard to believe that when we die nothing happens and we simply just cease to exist!

What do you think? Comment below, all opinions are welcome.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Attack Of The Hair!

Having long hair is a pain in the ass. I'm a male who has had long hair for a couple of years because I can't decide what to do with it!

How would you like to come out of the shower, try to brush your teeth and bam! Long hair attack and I'm choking on one of my luscious ginger locks. Go for a run with my hair tied up, oh I'm sorry us locks don't like you so were going to squirm free and attack you like a box jellyfish! 

Imagine the humiliation of a young girl saying to her mum whilst your cleaning the floor at work:
Girl - "Mummy is that a boy or a girl?"
Mum - "Its a boy sweetie he just has long hair"
Girl then proceeds to run away to a land of stereotypical hair styles for boys and girls, while I tell my manager what just happened and I turn a deep tomatoey colour in front of everyone. 

All I need is a machine to show me what I'll look like with a different hair styles now I'm not talking about website where I take a picture and see my hair chopped off and replaced with a Bieber haircut. I mean like an actual time machine which shows me how I look under normal circumstances, not just when I've been airbrushed into perfection by Heidi Montag's graphic's team.

Damn you world for not inventing this yet, save me from these ginger locks